|LJ Idol: Am I Crazy?
||[Jan. 22nd, 2013|12:46 pm]
No, I am really, truly not.
Did you know that crazy ultimately means "shattered"?
I'm not shattered. I've never been shattered. I am one of the most whole people I have ever known. I was BORN whole.
Don't get me wrong. I've been through shit. I've been through shit BECAUSE I'm whole. Because my personal integrity was so fucking total that I couldn't break myself apart if I tried.
I cannot show you just parts of myself. They are all so deeply intertwined, so totally one whole, that you get me, all of me, every time.
I am always a mother. I was a mother when I was a child. I mothered anyone and anything that would let me till I finally had children of my own and that energy could be directed where it was always intended to go.
I was always a mystic. Even when I went years steadfastly refusing to have anything to do with it, my mysticism still leaked out when I wasn't looking and no one was ever surprised by my spirituality. There's Jenny, communing with the trees again.
I was always a philosopher. No, I never bothered to try to hide that one! My small talk always turns deep...or meanders into awkwardness because, seriously, why the hell would I talk about meaningless shit when I could talk about meaningFUL stuff, maybe get some of my questions answered, get a new perspective, verify or alter my theories...yeah, that's good stuff right there!
I came into the world a force to be reckoned with. Big, bold, serious, smart, terrified, bossy...a list of words as long as my arm, and I still am. Me.
I am whole. Unwillingly, brutally, epically whole. Love me or hate me, I cannot be anything other than myself.
I learned to accept that some people should just take a look and walk away, and that's okay. The people who stay? They love me. They fucking love ME.
And I am so very, very blessed in the safety of that love that I am reasonably confident that nothing will ever truly break me.
For all the people I love who are so very, very shattered, I live and love as hard and fierce as I can, wholeheartedly. I don't know any other way.